Église unie Summerlea United Church
225 50 Av, Lachine, Québec, H8T2T7, Canada. 514-634-2651
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Smiles (Laughs even) Are Good for your Health!

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

Smiles01 | Smiles02 | Smiles03 | |Smiles04 |

The Organist Tombstone inscriptions The Search Misinterpreting Fifth Grade History More from Diane Goodyear God is Watching Church Bulletin Bloopers English is... More Through Children's Eyes The Gospel According to the Younger Set What Love Is - By Some 4-8 year Olds Great Truths About Life

If You Can . . . Kids Are Funny Christmas Morning Golf Quotes for Women Younger Viewpoints Bits of Wisdom Children are a Blessing Dear God News for all Bakers Bulletin Bloopers From a Little Church in Kansas Through the Eyes of Children Creation of Children

The Organist
Forwarded by Jack Wallace of Burlington, Ontario

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was dismayed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.

The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said,
"Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played the National Anthem.

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

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Tombstone Inscriptions
Forwarded by Chris Foot of Richmond Hill, Ontario.

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
The Good Die Young.

In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me For not rising.

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle
Went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,Vermont
Here lies the body of our Anna -
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.

In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went

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The Search
Received from Donna Corbin Feb 26, 2003 (along with the news of her new granddaughter).

A boss dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes," came the answer. "May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone else there in your house?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the Boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," whispered the child.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed hushed voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled giggle: "Me."

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Misinterpreting

*A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

*A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbour's wife."

*I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

*One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

*A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say a prayer before going to bed. As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say,
"Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses."
My husband and I always had a good laugh over this. That was over 50 years ago, and the memory still remains in my heart. From San Francisco:

When I was a child, I learned this prayer as "Our Father, who are in Heaven, Howard be thy name." I always thought that was God's real name. (Grand Junction, Colo.:)

When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot into temptation." I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble. (Groton, MS)

My mother spent her early childhood saying, "Hail Mary, full of grapes." (Missoula, Mont.:)

My son, who is in nursery school, said, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?" (Uniontown, Ohio:)

I remember thinking this prayer was "Give us this day our jelly bread." (Covina, Calif.:)

I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance.
Some child thought it began, "I led the pigeons to the flag." (Cleveland, Ohio:)

When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know:
"I pledge allegiance to the flag . . .and to the republic for Richard Stands." (Schenectady, N. Y.:)

I once knew a child whose favorite Sunday school song was "Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear." (Tampa, Fla.:)

When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain prayer was "He suffered under a bunch of violets." The real words were "under Pontius Pilate," but at that age, he didn't know better. To this day, we still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read. I believe God loves a good sense of humor. (Lake Forest Park, Wash.)

When I was a little girl, we sang a song in Sunday school about Noah. Part of the chorus was "And the rains came down, and the floods came up."
We lived next door to a couple of charming little girls who always sang this song while playing in their garden. Their words were, "And the rains came down, and the spuds came up." (Oak Harbor, Wash.)

When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."

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Fifth Grade History
The following are answers provided by 5th graders during a history test. They seem to know their history, but their spelling needs some work.

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

11. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.

12. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

13. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

14. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

15. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

18. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

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More from Diane Goodyear

It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his older brother explained.
"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go, He showed up!"

One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"
"I know!" a little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!"

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"
The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

Little Johnny asked his grandpa how old he was. Grandpa answered, "39 and holding." Johnny thought for a moment, and then said,
"And how old would you be if you let go?"

As mom was preparing pancakes for her sons, Johnny, 5, and Alex, 3, the boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. The mom saw the opportunity to teach a moral lesson. She said, "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Johnny quickly turned to his younger brother and said, "Okay, Alex, you be Jesus!"

A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates.
When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me Daddy. I'm under five."

During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying until she glanced at my grandparents. My grandmother had reached over to my grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand. That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing.
After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst.
"Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied, "but I was just checking to see if he was still alive."

The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My mom is a good cook!"

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God is Watching
Another forwarded by Mary Guynan

Up at the head table in the cafeteria, one of the nuns had placed a big bowl of bright red, fresh, juicy apples. Beside the bowl, she placed a note which read, "Take only one. Remember, God is watching."

At the other end of the table was a bowl full of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, still warm from the oven. Beside the bowl, a little note scrawled in a child's handwriting which read, "Take all you want. God's watching the apples."

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Church Bulletin Bloopers
From the Summerlea United Church Announcements May 12, 2002.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National Prayer and Fasting conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again", giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water". The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus".

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

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English is...
Forwarded by Wanda Ellins of Keswick, Ontario
Subject: 22 Reasons Why English is Hard to Learn!

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

22) The accountant at the music store records records of the records.

Let's face it-English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?

Doesn't it seem crazy
that you can make amends but not one amend,
that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?
Have you ever seen a horsefull carriage or a strapfull gown?
Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable?
And where are all those people who are spring chickens or who would actually hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it,
but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

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More Through Children's Eyes
Forwarded by Dianne Goodyear of Kingston, former Summerlea church secretary.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, `Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.`"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother,"There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."
" How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

Ever notice how a 4 year old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices? Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting,
"Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"
"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4 yr. old daughter.
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!'
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

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The Gospel According to the Younger Set
This collection of comments about the Bible, brought to us by Len Moore, was reportedly actually written by children.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?".

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma.

Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partridge who had twelve sons. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Sampson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by Jezebel. Then he slayed the Philistines with the ax of the apostles.

People who lived in Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is so hot that it is cultivated by irritation.

The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is humor thy father and mother. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle to Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the Manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus said the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained "Man doth not live by sweat alone." The people who followed the Lord were called the twelve decibels. The epistles were the wives of apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taxi man. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should only have one wife. This is called monotony.

Edited from Still More Illustrations for Youth Talks, by Wayne Rice, wayne@uyt.com.
Copyright 1999 by Youth Specialties, Inc., www.gospelcom.net/ys/mall/browse/#illus
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What Love Is - By Some 4-8 year Olds
A group of professionals posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds. "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
    - Rebecca - age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."
    - Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
    - Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
    - Chrissy - age 6

"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings."
    - Samantha - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
    - Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
    - Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss."
    - Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
    - Bobby - age 5

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."
    - Nikka - age 6

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
    - Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
    - Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
    - Cindy - age 8

"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."
    - Elaine - age 5

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
    - Chris - age 8

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
    - Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and she has to go out and buy new ones.
    - Lauren - age 4

"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."
    - Bethany - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."
    - Karen - age 7

"Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
    - Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
    - Jessica - age 8

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Great Truths About Life
Forwarded by Heather-Anne Hubbell of Milford, England

Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4. You can't trust a dog to watch your food.

5. Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a Tic-Tac.

6. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

7. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

8. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

Great Truths About Life That Adults Have Learned.

1. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

2. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

3. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

4. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.

5. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground.

6. My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.

7. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of everyday, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

8. God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever.

The Four Stages of Life

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You become Santa Claus.
4) You start to look like Santa Claus.
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If You Can . . .

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can do all these things............

THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY THE FAMILY DOG.
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Kids Are Funny
Forwarded by Jan McConnell of Chateauguay

POLICE #1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old.
Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"
"Yes, that's right," I told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

TEETH
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,
"The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,
"Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache next morning."

PRAYER
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaaather
. . . .and unto the Soonnn
. . . .and into the hole he gooooes."

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
"I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

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Christmas Morning Golf
Forwarded by Dianne Goodyear from Rod and Norma Bryce (all formerly of Summerlea).

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the links.
The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, ! "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turn to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, "Well, babe, is it sex or golf?" She said, "Take a sweater."

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Quotes for Women
Forwarded by Heather Anne Hubbell of Milford, Godalming, England

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)

A few weeks after my surgery, I went out to play catch with my golden retriever. When I bent over to pick up the ball, my prosthesis fell out. The dog snatched it, and I found myself chasing him down the road yelling "Hey, come back here with my breast!"
-Linda Ellerbee

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows
-Janette Barber

Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.
-Jan King

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman?
It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears.
-Geri Jewell

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
-Laurie Kuslansky

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck

Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
-Jane Sellman

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine Aird

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss; and they called ME slow!
-Kathy Buckley

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb.
- and I'm also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
-Erica Jong

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr

I think-therefore I'm single.
-Lizz Winstead

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.
-Marie Corelli

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

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Younger Viewpoints
(more from Glenn Funamoto of Trinity United, Rosemount)

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service:
"And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied,
"That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.
"I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius-the Pilot.

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!"
A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place.
When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"

Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered,
"If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start over."
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Bits of Wisdom
Forwarded by Jan McConnell of Chateauguay.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
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Children are a Blessing
Forwarded by Alda Gieruszczak of Toronto.

You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.

"There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it." - Chinese Proverb.

Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

We childproofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home
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Dear God
Received from Glenn Funamoto of Trinity United Church, Rosemount.
A teacher asked her class to write notes to God ... here are some of the notes they handed in.

Dear God:
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool.

Dear God:
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have.

Dear God:
Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other so much if they had their own rooms. That's what my Mom did for me and my brother.

Dear God:
If you watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.

Dear God:
I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I'm having a hard time loving all of them.

Dear God:
In school they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on vacation?

Dear God:
Are you really invisible or is it just a trick?

Dear God:
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?

Dear God:
Did you mean for the Giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

Dear God:
Who draws the lines around the countries?

Dear God:
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that okay?

Dear God:
Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? because if you did, then I'm going to get my brother good.

Dear God:
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

Dear God:
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.

Dear God:
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.

Dear God:
You don't have to worry about me, I always look both ways.

Dear God:
I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying.

Dear God:
Of all the people who work for you I like Noah and David the best.

Dear God:
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they?

Dear God:
I would like to live 900 years just like the guy in the Bible.

Dear God:
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said you did it. So, I bet he stole your idea.

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News for all Bakers
The following eulogy is reproduced from the Summerlea Spring / Easter, 2001 newsletter:

Dear Friends:

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, HungryJack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch, and many others.

The graveside was piled high with flours.
Longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, as he wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man he was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he'd rise once again, but he was no tart.

Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

We hope this won’t have a detrimental effect on Summerlea’s wonderful pot-luck-suppers.
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Bulletin Bloopers
Ever vigilant to maintain the solemnity of our course and the need for total seriousness at all times, here are some selections from church bulletins:
                                                   Richard Lederer

   1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

   2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

   3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.

   4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

   5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of
David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

   6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends
of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

   7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies
giving milk will please come early.

   8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will
sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

   9. Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers
Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in
his study.

  10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward
and lay an egg on the altar.

  11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the
ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

  12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost
of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet
will come forward and do so.

  13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and
they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

  14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

  15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

  16. The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the
choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."

  17. Today...Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 8 p.m.
Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.

  18. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of
hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

  19. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

  20. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the
Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we
request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

  21. The `eighth graders' will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in
the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.

These bulletin bloopers were copied from the web site of:

Alan Altany
Associate Professor
Department of Religious Studies
Basic Humanities Program
Marshall University
400 Hal Greer Blvd.
Huntington, West Virginia 25755, USA
FAX: 304.696.2703
Email: altany@marshall.edu
Web Site: http://webpages.marshall.edu/~altany/
Religious Studies Department: http://www.marshall.edu/rst/

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Esther Anderson - From a Little Church in Kansas

A pastor went visiting one afternoon. He knocked on one door several times, but no one answered. He could see through the window that the TV was on, so he took out his name card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on it and stuck it in the door. (Listen! I stand at the door and knock....)
The following Sunday, a woman handed him a card with her name and the message "Genesis 3:10".(...I was afraid and hid from you, because I was naked.)

Our pastor's annual sermon on "our bodies being temples of the Holy Spirit" forced me into some fast thinking on how to justify the 40 extra pounds I carry. I came up with two reasons:
1. If I decided to lose weight, I could seriously damage the fellowship and harmony of my church by not attending all the potlucks.
2. If the body really is the temple of the Holy Spirit, then what's wrong with having a really big temple?
(Adapted from "Eutychus", Christianity Today.)

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Through the Eyes of Children
E-mailed to Marg Lynn from her friend Alda Gieruszczak:

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later...
"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later...
"Daaaa-aaaad..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you".

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for "the children's sermon," and all the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said to her, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned".

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Received from Glenn Funamoto of Trinity United Church, Rosemount.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve and the first thing He said was: "Don't."
"Don't what? " Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve,....we got forbidden fruit!!".
"No Way."
"Yes way."
"Don't eat that fruit." said God
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so" said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making elephants. A few minutes later God saw His kids having a fruit break and he was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno" Eve answered.
"She started it", Adam said.
"Did not"
"Did too"
"DID NOT"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give your children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be too hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
Take two and keep away from children

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